Robot Monkeys

Aaron David Miller is tonight’s (June 2, 2008) guest on Charlie Rose. He argued that America could not leave Iraq because of the Pottery Barn Effect. We broke it, and so we’re responsible and have to stay. Because if we don’t we’ll lose face. (To his credit he did admit that this was the Vietnam argument.) He also admitted that we may never be able to “fix” it. So in essence he was arguing throwing good money after bad.

That isn’t a solution. That’s dumb. That’s an argument that only someone with nothing at risk can make. It’s also the argument of a weakling.

I don’t pretend to know the Great Secrets™ of life, but I have learned two things:

1. Everyone is a bit insecure, and scared of being discovered as a fake.
2. Nike was right. “Just do It.”

That second one is a powerful idea. It’s a subversive idea. I don’t think about it a Nike slogan, I think of it as what I believe is a quote from Václev Havel, even though I can never find it. “If you want to live in free society. Then act like you do.” Havel was in out of prisons for being a political dissident. Every time he was released, he wrote a new play, and would be sent right back in. Why? Because writing plays against communism is not illegal in a free society. People’s power comes from other people ceding it to them.

People always believe that they can’t do something. There’s always a risk, and the vast majority of time the real risk is not even close to what we believe it is. Do it. Deal with the immediate consequences and the move on. It’s not, not caring. It’s not being paralyzed. Just say, “Fuck this shit,” and move on. You’ll feel better.

It’s May 2008. Almost seven and a half years into the 21st Century, and with the exception of the lack of a Cold War, the world in many respects my life seems the same. I’m ready to move on. Give me The Future™ goddamn it. I’m not talking about atomic powered flying cars. Fuck atomic powered flying cars. That’s the fantabulous future of 1972. I’m tired of retro. I’m ready for the post-oil economy. I want the post-oil economy to exist before there’s no oil. I’m tired of carbon emissions, and global warming, and all that shit. It’s well past time that we’ve solved the problems and moved on.

I’m still a slacker, and I’m mostly satisfied with my life, I want more. I’m ready to move on. (No. I’m not stopping before my PhD.) I want real money. I want a real place that I don’t have to move twice a year. I want new stuff. I wrote in my molekine back in September 19, 2006:

I’m at the point in my life where I want my own place. I’m tired of using other people’s stuff. Sharing and what not. I want my own couch, not someone else’s. I want to be able to paint the walls blue if I want.

and while the main impetus of that note has been fixed, it’s still a mainly unresolved urge. Give me the girl, the dog, and the half a million dollar condo in to The Mission. I want the new 17″ MacBook Pro (my G4 is on its last legs). I want the espresso maker, the 43 inch lcd hdtv (well actually, I guess I sort of have that now), the htpc media center, and the swanky geeky pinball coffee table. I want the dinner parties and the vacations in Tahoe.

It’s time to move on.

So yeah, this isn’t so much a commentary on the state of the world, as much as it’s one on the state of my life, but still. It’s time to move on.

Yes, I am well aware how materialistic this sounds, but honestly, it’s more existential than that. And yes, I’m also well aware of how this makes me sound like a yuppie and/or hipster, and I think I’m okay with that. It’s all about the attitude.

For the past two weeks I’ve found myself contemplating a getting a job. A quick cursorary look in the Southern Illinoisan confirmed what I already knew. There isn’t much demand for programmers in SI. While I could easily gain employment in Saint Louis, I don’t feel like moving or commuting there. Also without copious amounts of bandwidth telecommuting isn’t an option. (Also I have serious doubts about whether I would actually work if I worked from home.)

There’s a lot of want ads for RNs and school teachers. My advanced medical knowledge is limited to the ability to fake my way through CPR, so the RN job is out. While I’m reasonably confident that I could teach eighth grade math and/or science, I do not possess the proper certification, and I’m pretty sure that getting certified involves alot more than simply showing up at the Superintendent of Schools’s office with $50 and 2 hours of free time and leaving with a type <letter><number> certificate, so that’s out.

What I’m looking for isn’t so much something to do, but somewhere to go and get money in return. (No, the unemployment office doesn’t count. I already had this discussion about whether I should draw unemployment with my parents. I argued that I shouldn’t, because it’s not that I can’t find work, it’s just that I won’t.)

Tonight I was bored, so I decided that I’d go to Longbranch and drink a cafe mocha. (In fact I’m drinking another one now in my kitchen at home. If you’re wondering who drinks that Folger’s cafe mocha stuff, wonder no more, it’s me. If I felt like justifying it I’d say something like: “My parents don’t own a coffee machine, let alone a coffee pot. All they drink is Folger’s, so I’m stuck with this.”, but I don’t. Instead, I’ll just say: “I bought it tonight. I drank it. It doesn’t taste that much different from the real one I had earlier tonight.”) While I was there I decided that the guy behind the counter had a kickass job. He sits on a stool. Talks to his friends. Occasionally pours a cup of joe, and passively (or actively) smokes, all the while getting paid $5.15 an hour. No pressure. Only negligible amount asked of you. Pretty good. In fact quite possibly the ideal job. Well, I wouldn’t want to be sitting there at 42, unless of course I owned the coffeeshouse, so I guess it’s only a locally optimum solution.

I also found myself thinking about getting a degree in comparitive linguistics. Afterall I’ve been thinking about writing off and on for about the past 18 months. (I decided that I don’t care about learning a language, as much as I care about learning how a language works.) So what can you do with a degree in linguistics, you ask? Well I believe that with, SIU’s Linuguistics department said it best. In other words: “It’s just like any other liberal arts degree. Not much, besides teach it.”

And as I sat there drinking from my incomprehenably wide mug, trying to come up with other minimum wage jobs that require almost no effort and weren’t somehow uncool, and contemplating getting a liberal arts degree, I came to the realization that I am a slacker.

I don’t work. I don’t look for a job. While I wouldn’t necessarily mind drawing a pay check, my set of acceptable jobs right now is so comically small I insure unemployment. Basically it’s coffeshop guy. I thought about mailman (or more generally, “Package Delivery Guy”), but then discarded it since they’d want me to go places and deliver stuff, or at the very least move stuff on and off trucks. That’s more work than I want to put in.

I’m a slacker; and you know what? I’m cool with that.