Robot Monkeys

from CNN

The kingdom will work to ensure there will be no “unwarranted and unnatural oil price hikes that could affect international economies, especially those of developing countries,” said [Information and Culture Minister Iyad] Madani.

There’s just something bizarre about a cartel protecting us from high prices. That’s not what cartels do. Cartels maintain a price as high as possible that demand doesn’t appreciably suffer.

This means that the price of oil has become high enough that its beginning to effect the world economy, leading to inflation and decreased demand. This talk about cutbacks is what’s really got OPEC moving. Not the price itself. So they’re going to increase supply just enough to bring the price back down back down to it’s “natural” (read, artificially maintained) price.

Bank of America’s website lets you download statements in a variety of formats, including Quicken and “Printable text” and “Excel”. However, the “Excel” format isn’t Excel at all. It’s CSV. And just to make things just a bit more ironic, Excel 2004 for the Mac (aka Excel 11) won’t open file named stmt.csv. (Yes, that’s really the name of the file.)

I was called a “hipster.”

Of course, I was at DevHouse at the time, but the guy that said it wasn’t a loser geek. And I was wearing threadless shit and my custom Timbuk2 bag at that time. In fact, it was the bag that prompted the comment. (”Hey, you’ve got one of those bags. I see a bunch of hipsters have those. How is it?”) Geez, all I need is a fixie, and I guess I’m in total hipster horror. (Mark (Yes. That Mark Storer.) has a special hatred for hipsters on fixed gear bikes, and their ilk at Pergolesi.)

It just blows my mind. Jonathan Koren: “hipster.” Wow. What happened? Growing up I was pretty loser geeky. Not completely irredeemable, but close. In college, I hung out with pretty much just engineers. Not the loser geeks, but not the coolest kids by any means. As I told Andrew recently while watching “Superbad,” “As big of losers as these kids are, they are a thousand times cooler than I was in high school.” He was rightfully shocked.

I’ve always suspected that my taste in music sucks, and that I don’t own the number of CDs as someone should (This materialistic inadequacy comes from the fact that between 1992 and 1999, I owned a total of 14 CDs.). Now multiple people have asked for copies of my mp3 collection. What the hell?

I guess it just is more evidence that my Epiphany was correct. “Cool” is just an attitude.

I’m in Pergolesi, and the 30ish guy across from me is yaking on his fucking headset (one of two he’s wearing) plugged into a 17″ macbook pro trying to plan this big long trip through Europe. (”Florence is the best city! It’s so beautiful! So it Paris! We can drive!”) Whatever. Most annoying is how he’s talking Valley Girl.

There’s just a whole superior attitude yuppies exude, that I can’t stand. It’s just so condescending and self important, and at the same time they seem to try to act so chummy, like you’re their “best bro’,” but at the same time you the vibe they give is that they’d beat with cue stick until you’ve got detached retinas for $20. I think that superiority is what brings on gentrification. “Oh this is so cool! Oh know! Precious Boopsie! Let’s clean up the neighborhood and make it a soulless! No wait! We’ll give it that artificial hip feel that can only come from planned communities! A Starbuck’s! And a Panera Bread! And soccer field! And an MLK Boulevard to show that we’re friends with the urban youth!”

Fuck them all.

(Yes, I’m acutely aware that that I’m in my 30s, typing this a 17″ Powerbook G4, and have (sort of) vacationed Europe.)

Dear Madison Avenue,

Stop using the word “literally” to introduce a metaphor.

The Geico gecko says, “They literally hand you an english muffin with butter and jam. – That’s a complete a dramatization…” Some annoying woman in a vehix.com ad says, “You can go on the website and literally take a test drive. – You’re practically sitting in the car.”

“Literal” means

actual: being or reflecting the essential or genuine character of something; “her actual motive”; “a literal solitude like a desert”- G.K. …

without interpretation or embellishment; “a literal depiction of the scene before him”

limited to the explicit meaning of a word or text; “a literal translation”

avoiding embellishment or exaggeration (used for emphasis); “it’s the literal truth”

None of these definitions allows you to use “literal” to embellish the story. In fact, it’s literally forbidden.

Please stop. Please please please stop.

Honestly. Who taught you how to do this stuff? Alanis Morissette?

When Comcast pimps their voip service, they inevitably bash the telcos, but in one of their most recent commercials they say something really really stupid. They have the telco guys singing:

We have tv service now,
But it’s really not out expertise.
So what!
We’ll sell it to you.
All you have to do is pay.

Wait. Since when is telephony a cable television company’s expertise?

Watch:

If you are a Mac user, drag the image onto your desktop. If you are a PC user, right click on the image and select “Save image as…”

— Apple Technology Web Badge trademark license.

The badge in question?

Since man first stepped foot out of the cave and walked upright, the great thinkers of our species have often wondered, what is the physical manifestation of irony? Precipitation on a marriage ceremony? A baby’s smile, perhaps?

No. These are all wrong. Irony can take only one form. And it’s form is of the flag of the Soviet Union, the iconic and enduring symbol of socialism, communism, and anticapitalism, purchased at a yard sale for five dollars.