Robot Monkeys

Scene: Registration table for a pediatric cancer benefit marathon. A stereotypical teamster guy sits behind the table.

Enter woman runner

Teamster: “The registration fee is 30 dollars.”

Runner: sheepishly“All I’ve got is 29.”Smiles hopefully

Teamster: “Look lady. If it was up to me, I’d let you go, but these cancer kids… They’re real ball-breakers.”

Enter bald kid with an IV

Jimmy: sneering“Do we have problem here?”

Teamster: “N-n-no Jimmy. Th-there’s no problem.”

Jimmy: eyeing both “I didn’t think so.”

Exit Jimmy

KENT, ENGLAND — With the introduction of the Bill Wyman Signature Series metal detector from C.Scope, Netcraft now confirms that Rolling Stones are now inconsequential. Bill Wyman, former bassist of the Rolling Stones, has teamed up C.Scope, a leader in the metal detector market, to create the new Bill Wyman signature series metal detector. “It’s absolutely fantastic,” Bill Wyman told the reporters at the recent announcement. “The boffins at C.Scope have really outdone themselves this time. It’s lightweight and it’s got ‘beach’ and ‘inland’ selection controls that makes it an absolute charm to use. You’d have to be a bit daft to want to use something else.”

Ian Torrison, C.Scope’s vice-president of product development, said, “All of us at C.Scope are quite proud of this product. When we were contacted by the great Bill Wyman to create a new detector that was both powerful and and easy to use for beginners, we jumped at the chance.” Mr. Wyman reiterated his approval of the product, saying, “For years I’ve been known for not getting any satisfaction, but C.Scope has finally done it. Cheers my good man. Cheers.”

Nigel Grant, marketing director for C.Scope told reporters, “One thing I think all of us up here today are excited about is the continued growth we can expect in the relic hunting hobby. It’s great exercise, walking about in the clean air, swinging your arm to and fro. And then you can get rewards such as finding jewelry and possibly even roman coins. It’s a wonderful hobby. It’s something our mums and dads can do, and even our children. It truly brings families together. What we at C.Scope had been waiting for, even if we didn’t know it at the time, was for a spokesman for this hobby. Someone who could do for relic hunting what Michael Jordan did for basketball and sneakers. And I believe we’ve found that person with Bill Wyman.”

In a seperate announcement, Donald Evans of Netcraft issued a statement stating that with this annoucement the Rolling Stones had past beyond the realm of respectability. “For too many years now, the media has promoted the mistaken idea that Rolling Stones of today are still as relevant and enjoyable as they were 30 or even 40 years ago. Now that they have attached themselves to metal detecting, a hobby synonymous with the senior set, we at Netcraft can now confirm that Rolling Stones are now inconsequetional.” Michael Chen of the marketing firm Grey Global Group, responded to Netcraft’s annoucement with derision. “The Rolling Stones are just as hot today as they have ever been. They’re stilling selling out major venues. We at Grey are ready to enable our partners meet the needs of this rapidly growing market. People are living longer and have more disposable income. If anything, this annoucement confirms what we’ve been seeing recently: a shift from the traditional youth market to the second youth market. I just wish we had landed this contract.”

RELATED LINKS:
http://www.billwymandetector.com/

While walking around campus I came up with an idea for a character in a story.
There isn’t any story. Just the character, and an intro scene.

“So where do you work Jason?”

“I work for Capitol Records”

“Oh? Doing what?”

“I’m in guerrilla marketing.”

“What’s that?”

“You know those stickers for bands that are stuck on payphones, trashcans,
streetlamps…?”

“Yeah.”

“I put them there. Well, not all of them, obviously. Me and about six other
guys do the greater Boston area.”

“Just six guys?”

“Six full time guys, yeah. It really doesn’t take that long. A couple of
weeks before a release we get the signage, and we begin scouting locations.
Some of it’s obvious stuff, like bus stops, subway stations, that sort of
thing. But we also have to hit our target demographic where they live, where
they eat, where they shop, where they party. We have a contract with
Look-Look to help us out here.

Certain demos are more receptive to some tactics than others. The 18-24s tend
to be attracted to big swipes of colored posters, you know the 100 identical
posters all in a row. While the aging hipsters can get their interest piqued
by a simple sticker on the push door of a public garbage can. The idea is
to get image saturarion, yet make it look like it’s a spontaneous act from
The Scene.

Anyway. The six of us spend the day before preparing our poster rolls,
finalizing locations, dividing up the territory, and planning our routes.
Then we go out at about 3am. All the bars will be closed by then, and the
streets are mostly empty. And we poster until about 5.”

“Only two hours?”

“Oh yeah. We’ve done it hundereds of times. It’s really a military operation.
Once we hit critical mass, some kids start doing it for us. That’s when we
know we’ve got them.”

“I find this hard to believe.”

“Why? You didn’t think that Linkin Park sticker just appeared on that
payphone did you? I had to put it there. Speaking of which…”
Jason pulls a “Green Machines” sticker from his coat pocket, and applies
it in a cockeyed manner over the “Linkin Park” sticker.

“It’s crooked.”

“It’s supposed to be. It gives it the impression that some skateboarder came
by and applied on the run.”

“Who are they?”

“A San Diego punk band. They’re releasing a single in a couple of weeks.
Then it’s a TRL spot, and an interview with ‘Spin‘.”

“I’ve never heard of them. Are they popular?”

“No one has. And yes, they will be.”

“I had no idea this went on.”

“Neither did I until I started working there. I will tell you one thing I
learned. There are no genuine trendsetters. If you want to dress hip,
or act hip just do it. Don’t worry about feeling like a poser. Everyone
you see that looks hip are posers. Every last one them. I know. I tell them
what’s cool.”