Robot Monkeys

Since man first stepped foot out of the cave and walked upright, the great thinkers of our species have often wondered, what is the physical manifestation of irony? Precipitation on a marriage ceremony? A baby’s smile, perhaps?

No. These are all wrong. Irony can take only one form. And it’s form is of the flag of the Soviet Union, the iconic and enduring symbol of socialism, communism, and anticapitalism, purchased at a yard sale for five dollars.

Thursday night I was at Lulu’s working at the bar when I noticed the guy next to me. He was in his 40’s with long hair and wearing a worn long sleeved thin black sweatshirt. He had this laptop that looked like it was about 10 years old. It was two inches thick and had one of those color lcds that always looked washed out. Slapped in the side of it was a old wireless card.

It was kind of odd. He looked kind of odd. I didn’t think too much of it. I just wrote it off as sketchy guy with a latte and a really old laptop he bought years ago and never bothered to upgrade.

I had to get up, and when I sat back down I noticed his screen. It was all white. He was typing, but the screen was almost completely white. His screen was crappy, so I wanted to chalk it up to that, but most of screen was definately blank. Was he using Word? I checked again. He was running a full screen xterm. XTERM! He was running fvwm. He was running EMACS. What was he doing in emacs? He was coding! I distinctly saw “sprintf” on his screen. It was C code!

What the hell? Every so often he’d minimize the xterm and swtich to some web browser (probably NS4 given the vintage of everything else he was running) and view pages for motorcycle transmissions, then he’d switch back to emacs and code some more. Sometimes he’d browse around on the motorcyle pages looking at what appeared to be technical diagrams of the transmissions. Then he’d code some more.

It was like something out a Cory Doctorow story. Like 0wnz0red or Themepunks, or something. I don’t want to know what he was doing. It wouldn’t be nearly as cool as I imagine. In my head he’s making some strange and dangerous device. He’s making killbots. He’s postcyberpunk.

KENT, ENGLAND — With the introduction of the Bill Wyman Signature Series metal detector from C.Scope, Netcraft now confirms that Rolling Stones are now inconsequential. Bill Wyman, former bassist of the Rolling Stones, has teamed up C.Scope, a leader in the metal detector market, to create the new Bill Wyman signature series metal detector. “It’s absolutely fantastic,” Bill Wyman told the reporters at the recent announcement. “The boffins at C.Scope have really outdone themselves this time. It’s lightweight and it’s got ‘beach’ and ‘inland’ selection controls that makes it an absolute charm to use. You’d have to be a bit daft to want to use something else.”

Ian Torrison, C.Scope’s vice-president of product development, said, “All of us at C.Scope are quite proud of this product. When we were contacted by the great Bill Wyman to create a new detector that was both powerful and and easy to use for beginners, we jumped at the chance.” Mr. Wyman reiterated his approval of the product, saying, “For years I’ve been known for not getting any satisfaction, but C.Scope has finally done it. Cheers my good man. Cheers.”

Nigel Grant, marketing director for C.Scope told reporters, “One thing I think all of us up here today are excited about is the continued growth we can expect in the relic hunting hobby. It’s great exercise, walking about in the clean air, swinging your arm to and fro. And then you can get rewards such as finding jewelry and possibly even roman coins. It’s a wonderful hobby. It’s something our mums and dads can do, and even our children. It truly brings families together. What we at C.Scope had been waiting for, even if we didn’t know it at the time, was for a spokesman for this hobby. Someone who could do for relic hunting what Michael Jordan did for basketball and sneakers. And I believe we’ve found that person with Bill Wyman.”

In a seperate announcement, Donald Evans of Netcraft issued a statement stating that with this annoucement the Rolling Stones had past beyond the realm of respectability. “For too many years now, the media has promoted the mistaken idea that Rolling Stones of today are still as relevant and enjoyable as they were 30 or even 40 years ago. Now that they have attached themselves to metal detecting, a hobby synonymous with the senior set, we at Netcraft can now confirm that Rolling Stones are now inconsequetional.” Michael Chen of the marketing firm Grey Global Group, responded to Netcraft’s annoucement with derision. “The Rolling Stones are just as hot today as they have ever been. They’re stilling selling out major venues. We at Grey are ready to enable our partners meet the needs of this rapidly growing market. People are living longer and have more disposable income. If anything, this annoucement confirms what we’ve been seeing recently: a shift from the traditional youth market to the second youth market. I just wish we had landed this contract.”

RELATED LINKS:
http://www.billwymandetector.com/

From an email exchange today:

Justin: How many people lose body parts?

Me: Well my dad for one… And while I didn’t know him, my dad’s dad also had severed body parts.

Justin: Dude. If it’s genetic, you’re so screwed.

If I ever have a son, and lose a digit, I will sit him down and say, “Son, there’s something you should know. I have lost a digit. As did my father, and his father before him…”